some days life seems so magical and beautiful, and i have to stop and think, "i could do this. new york, i could love you. i DO love you."
yesterday was not one of those days.
oh, yesterday.
husbear is in michigan, on a little leg of the white pines tour.
husbear worked hard for the last two semesters and through both of his breaks.
and now husbear has the month of august off.
so he can go do those things.
it's not fair for me to be jealous of him because he earned this break.
but i can't help but feel those little nasty twinges of envy, and i can't help but hear the little voice in my head that says "how come you don't get august off? you worked hard, too. you're still working hard. you're paying bills, you're cleaning the house, you're what's holding everything together. he couldn't do this without you. you should get time off, too."
but i can't.
because while i love miles and i love my job, it is not the sort of thing you can just take some days off from.
so, here i am.
in hot, sticky, sweaty new york.
i spent $265 dollars on groceries on tuesday and tried not to puke when i handed them my card.
then i had to pay for a can to get allllllll of those bags from the store to my home.
then i had to carry allllllll of those bags up 3 flights of stairs. it took 3 trips.
then i had to take the dog down to pee and poop.
then i had to feed him and the cat.
then i had to put all the groceries away.
which meant i had to clean out the fridge. and the freezer. and the cabinets. so i did.
then i did all the of the dishes that husbear didn't have time to do before he left (and i am not going to listen to that little voice that said "but he had august off...how come there are dishes in the sink at ALL?") which was 2 sinkfuls. then i walked around the house and gathered another sinkful of dishes.
so anyway, yesterday.
turns out that steve mcqueen the dog doesn't want to sleep all night after having been locked up in his cage for 11 hours. (i know. this is so mean. usually husbear is home to take care of him, but he's not. and he can't stay out of his cage or my cat will get eaten and so will my entire apartment.)
so he was up and at'em at 5am. which wouldn't affect me, except he sleeps in my bed. and he kept pawing pawin pawing at me to get up, and whining at the door, and chasing the cat, and trying to chew everything, and burrowing in the covers to lick my feet. UGH.
so i gave up and got up for the day, an hour early.
so i finished the rest of the dishes in the sick and scrubbed down all of the countertops and took the dog down three flights of stairs and then back up them and fed him and the cat, who didn't seem to want to be ANYWHEREELSEINTHEAPARTMENT other than RIGHTUNDERNEATHMYFEET so i kept tripping over her and stepping on her tail and she'd squeal and i'd just scream "WELLLL????" because what did she expect, standing directly under my feet???
ugh.
also, we dont have air conditioning except for a little unit in the bedroom.
so i was sweaty and smelly, all before 7am.
so whatever, i got dressed and went to work.
and miles doesn't like the heat anymore than i do, and he made that very clear allllldayyyylongggg. i cannot handle whining. i can't. but how do you tell an 8month old to stop whining? all he hears is "fjs;lerhgadkjghadl/fkgha;ga" and who knows that means. so he kept whining, all day, in the same freaking pitch. i wished he would have just gone up a note or down two. just for some variety. and he's a WRIGGLER. he doesn't like to be wherever it is you want him to be.
now, i love him.
but yesterday was just not his day.
then i had to buy a huge thing of cat litter.
and carry it home, on the subway.
and when youre hot and sweaty and tired and cranky, everyone on the subway is at least ten thousand times more rude and snarky and loud and obnoxious and ugly. it's true.
so i stood there on the train, feeling sweat running down into my bra from my neck, wanting to swing this massive cannister of cat litter in a huge arc and knock out anyone it hit. it would have felt so good to just do that. but i would have gotten arrested, and that'd be hard to explain to my boss. so i just stood there glaring at everyone who weighs 3459720496 pounds and should have ot buy two damn subway tickets because they take up so much room and stare at you meanly when you have to duck and cover as they walk by.
so i got home, to my top floor not-air conditioned apartment.
i took the dog out.
and i started cleaning.
naked.
at the end i was exhausted, but my house is sparkling. SPARKLING.
with the exception of the bedroom, which i'll do tonight.
it's the messiest, but it's got the little ac unit in the window, so i wont mind spending my evening in there.
and tomorrow my husbear will come home and sweep me up into his arms and tell me how pretty the apartment looks and how pretty i look and how much he missed me.
and then we'll rent a car and go to harrisburg to visit my soulmate/best friend allison.
and i won't have to clean a thing.
and i'm ignoring the little voice that says "if you were out of town, do you think husbear would have cleaned the apartment?"
today i'm hoping for a better day. but i just don't have a lot of hope, because it's gray and rainy and STILL hot and i've already cried while reading other people's blogs because their life is just so put together and exciting and adorable and they're GOING places and DOING things and they can keep their damn houses clean, and i can't. i just feel like laying on the floor and crying, but i can't do that either. and miles will be awake soon.
please keep your fingers crossed for me.
if today doesn't go well, i'm moving to alaska.
Maybe it's the rain that has me in such a funk today.
Maybe it's the lack of knowing what's next.
Maybe it's the fact that our bedroom is the messiest it has ever been and i know it'll be my job to clean it.
But whatever the reason, I feel tired and discouraged.
I know, I know.
I'm young. I live in New York City. I married the love of my life. I have a cool apartment. I have a hilarious dog. I have a wonderful job.
...does that mean that no matter where we are in life, we'll always find something else to yearn for? I hope not. I hope one day I have a revelation. A moment where I'm sitting on my porch with a cup of coffee and I've just waved goodbye to the kids as the bus takes them to school, and I put my feet up on the wicker ottoman and sigh and say "Here it is. Here's that moment I was waiting for."
I have a phenomenal life.
That's why i think it's just the rain.
But I can't help but get excited to the point of impatience with our future.
I want to meet my children.
I want to kiss them and hug them and scold them.
I want to bake in my perfect kitchen.
I want to sit on my porch.
I want to walk through my garden.
I want to feel the fall wind and hear the dry leaves skitter in the street and see all the brilliant colors, because in my daydream it is Autumn.
Also in my daydream we have a cape cod style home with impressive landscaping and a giant porch and a roaring fire place and trees in the yard.
I miss Michigan. Today, anyway.
I think feeling stuck somewhere in between youth and adulthood and feeling desperate to capture the now is what being 24 (almost 25!) is all about.
I just need to find a project to keep my mind busy.
One that doesn't cost any money. Sigh.
so i decided to take charge of some of those things that would make my life easier.
and i re-did my entire kitchen!
i cleaned and organized and decluttered and totally overhauled everything.
i even painted. and finished the whole dang thing.wanna see?
come on in!
the front door. and my aprons. the paint color is called "river's edge" by behr, with off-white trim.
lucy the cat likes to eat breakfast by the window. also, i bought way more flowers for the fire escape. and this morning, i sat out there and drank my coffee. and i loved it.
this was before the fellas installed MY NEW COUNTERTOP!
AND AFTER! omg.
so cute.
and sooo much more space!
and in case you've never seen my kitchen before this:
(those were taken before we had really "moved in", aka filled every surface with an unimaginable amount of clutter.)
i have more artwork to hang, and i'll post more pics as i go.
but there you have it- my new favorite room in the house.
next: my living room! (this weekend!!)
a list of things i am convinced would make my life better:
a shed-free dog. steve mcqueen sheds faster than i can sweep. i bought him a new brush yesterday. after running it through his fur three or four times, he shook himself furiously, sending all of the hair i had previously loosened swirling through the air to settle comfortably on the floor i had just swept. also, every morning there are what look liek snow drifts of hair in every corner. i have to sweep every single night.
and don't even get me started on our bedding. (and don't lecture me- he WILL NOT sleep anywhere but our bed. so shut up.)
an empty apartment so that i can just start over with a blank slate. i wish i could clear everytinything out and only put back what WE REALLY NEED. that way i would also be able to paint with having to worry about moving furniture and covering things with tarps. i just painted in february, but i'm already ready for a change- and i never even finished the trim the first time around. which brings me to my next point...
the will to finish ANYTHING i start. like painting. and organizing. and the laundry.
a bigger kitchen. we have a fantastic kitchen by new york standards, but it doesn't mean i don't long for miles of sparkling clean countertops and a HUGE oven and cupboards filled with everything i could possibly need to bake.
more money. i don't think i need to elaborate on that.
but for real, i need to tackle the shoe closet. i can't handle one more morning of digging through a MASSIVE MOUNTAIN of shoes to find my other flip flop.
i could use a bigger dresser and some shelving, too.
sigh.
organization is so overwhelming.
our weekend, in pictures:
friday-
slept in.
the boys
found these.
went into the city.
went to the market.
watched scary movies. which allison loved.
Saturday-
went to a cookout.
ate some watermelon.
bickered with husbear.
kissed and made up.
he smoked his grandfather's pipe and looked bad-ass doing it.
john mccain stopped by the party. (aka, my husband in his halloween costume. SCARY!)
went back to our house.
sat on the roof to watch the fireworks.
so many people!
spent time with my soulmate.
Sunday-
went to brunch.
adam is a handsome listener.
came home full of banana pancakes, as evidenced by my belly.
then my soulmate and dear friend shelly left me to return to harrisburg, and husbear went into his office to study for the MCAT, and i was left alone in the echoing living room.
so i watched endless episodes of hannah montana in my pjs and ate so much (homemade!) raspberry shortcake that i settled into a food coma, in which i could feel only numbness.
why is it that when your friends leave, they always have to take all of the liveliness with them?
anyway, it was a beautiful weekend. my little life has been full of those lately.
not us.
our cat...maybe.
last night, a bunch of pals gathered in our living room. this is common.
also common- they come in through the kitchen window via our fire escape.
it's like something out of "clarissa explains it all."
anyway, last night when they left, someone forgot to close the window behind them.
lucy, our cat, is in heat.
needless to say, when we woke up this morning and noticed the window open, our cat did not come running.
BUT FEAR NOT.
because this precious little kitty (who pees on LITERALLY everything that we own. even on our stove. and in my purse. ugh.) comes when i call her.
so i sat on the fire escape with a can of tuna and called "lulululululu! lucy goosey! lucina! lucy my kitty!" etc. and very soon a tiny little black head popped up from a corner of the roof extension below us. she didn't come running, but poked a little paw up at me and disappeared again.
so, channeling my inner spidey, i scrambled down the fire escape ladders and made my way onto the roof extension and tiptoed to the corner with the hole where i saw my precious babycat.
she was stuck.
and i saved her.
i saved that little whore. (excuse my french, but she did sneak out through the window to get laid by multiple tomcats.)
and i carried her to safety.
she is now skulking around the apartment all bewildered-like, soaked in flea and tick repellent. her belly is full of tuna.
and her uterus is probably full of babies.
anyone want a kitten?
